February 13, 2022
Tbe CBS SUNDAY MORNING POWER RANKINGS
1) Tracy Smith
In a first, the top spot goes to someone who did not appear in the episode. Alas, apparently the Tracy Smith/Joe Burrow interview we were (I was) clamoring for never materialized while the Bengals cruising around the City of Angels, bringing a Cincinnati flavor to SoCal. (Mmm... it tastes like ice cream and a Greek Bolognese.)
I went through two or three different Super Bowl bits that I was going to write up that centered around Sunday Morning's Southwest Ohio native and resident Bengals fan. (Although, did anyone really want the Rams to win?) One idea was to write a fictional transcript of Tracy interviewing Joe Burrow and fill it in with screengrabs of the two of them. Another idea was to have every all power ranking entries 1-10 be Tracy only to have the "committee" inform me that Tracy did not actually appear in the episode before revealing the true rankings. But this is more work than I have time for and I do this for fun without an editor, so...
Football is the most important least important thing.
- Jurgen Klopp
Granted these words from the great German philosopher, football manager, and pioneer of gegenpressing tactics refer to what the rest of the world calls football, i.e. soccer, and not what we call football, which they call Handegg. I think it applies nonetheless.
When the Bengals when up 20-13 on a field goal after a Matthew Stafford Infection (shout to any TK Littles who may have stopped by) interception, I was excited that the Bengals were winning, but I also a few nagging feelings. First, something felt off script. How was Evan McPherson supposed to hit a game winning field goal when we (yes, I'm a a part of the team...) were already winning? To quote another Men in Blazerism, we had scored too soon.
Second, the Bengals had gotten the ball in good field position and failed to truly capitalize on the inevitable Stafford error. It was becoming evident that our noble efforts to withstand the onslaught of Aaron Donald were starting to give way to the unstoppable force. I might have felt a little more comfortable with a 24-13 lead.
Finally, Matthew Stafford, for all the picks he throws is the football equivalent of an irrationally confident shooter in basketball. Like JR Smith shooting, he's just going to keep throwing passes. I think he has the most fourth quarter combacks among active QB's or something like that. (I'm probably wrong, but you can look up the stat. I'm not Mina Kimes. I come complete unprepared to defend my football analysis.) So when they started a drive with six or seven minutes left and sustained into the two minute warning, a field goal deficit seemed inevitable for the Bengals. McPherson doesn't kick game tying field goals. That guy doesn't play for ties. He's a winner:
The Bengals did get the ball back sufficient time to get into Evan McPherson range. After two solid passing plays quickly got them midfield, a throw away bomb to Ja'Marr Chase and a running play to Samaje Perine at Aaron Donald for no gain left them with 4th and 1 and a quarterback with a hurt knee.
I get the misdirection they were trying for on 3rd down. The Rams are expecting a pass because, you know, Joe Freakin' Burrow and an a squadron of receivers. Too cute by half though. Was it really designed to go at Donald though? Or was that mistake? I could read at least two dozen breakdowns of that play, but that sounds like zero fun unless I'm some sort masochist.
Anyway, we all saw the last play of the game. Prior to the snap, I only somewhat ironically wondered if McPherson could hit a 67 yard field goal, rather than hope the O-line could recapture its first half magic for one play. I did not watch any post game. I was watching a half hour from where I live so I drove home because I had work in the morning. I'm sure a lot of people, especially Joe Burrow, were saying that Cincinnati has a young team and that we should expect the Bengals to make it back again soon. Except, but, well, a lot of things. Like this. And this. And this. And this. Joe Burrow may be optimistic, and he has every right to be. He is a champion with swagger, unburdened by our history. And I want to believe in you Joe, but it's Cincinnati:
So I returned home feeling and I got home, not just feeling mildly disappointed, or even extremely gut-punch disappointed, but with something more akin to low grade depression. I didn't want to start this blog post and I just wanted to go to bed, but I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't want to go to work in the morning. I didn't want to listen to anyone recap the game. (Except for Mike Schur and Joe Posnanski.)
I found this very strange. I had sworn of the Bengals and the NFL in general around 2016 with the spactacular collapse against the Steelers, and also because it's the sport where we demand that young men break themselves and inflict brain damage on each other. Also, aside from the 1990 Reds, which I was a bit too young to fully appreciate, I have gone through a number tough losses as a sports fain. There was the Roy Halladay no hitter against the Reds in 2010. Even worse, the 2012 loss to the Giants after being up 2-0. The Pacers had had two straight conference finals losses to the heavily favored heat, once losing in 6 and once losing in 7. There was also a game 7 loss in the first round to a LeBron James led Cavs team where they had give just enough of a glimpse of hope to make me think it might be possible. I actually attended game 6 of that series - a blowout win in Indianapolis. There have also been several deep runs by Xavier in the NCAA Tournament. Particularly exhilarating/crushing was the Kansas State double overtime game as called by Gus Johnson. If you aren't familiar, here are the highlights of that surreal game:
(I know I went to Louisville and I've had my share of ups and downs with my co-favorite college team. Say what you will about me being a college basketball bigamist, but first loves and all that...)
This felt different. With the past disappointments, I was disappointed my team lost, but I also felt exhilarated by the ride provided by the most important least important thing in the world. I felt alive. This time I just felt down and I didn't feel like getting picked back up. Maybe it's because it's the Bengals and they are always destined to leave a sour taste as they inevitably self-immolate, but more likely I conflated my sports disappointment with real life. Maybe it's the winter blahs. Maybe it's existential dread. Maybe I listened to a podcast on the way home that I found upsetting for personal reasons that was exacerbated by game's outcome and the fact it is mid-February. Whatever it was, I just felt down.
Until the next evening when I started going back through Tracy Smith's Twitter and Instagram looking for material to use. And I started smiling at the posts of Skyline and Graeters and light trash talk directed at her producer and esepcially the posts of her watching the game with her Mom. It snapped me out of my funk. How can you not smile at this?
From a fellow Bengals fan and fellow Southwest Ohioan (by way of Northern Kentucky), thanks for the pick me up. Sports is once again the most important, least important thing. Go Bengals.
2) Rita Braver
First off, awwwwwwwwww!
Second, I do so enjoy the Smithsonian National Zoo. I recognize several of the establishing shots, and maybe a couple of the critters, from my visit there last summer. Which reminds me, the Cincinnati Zoo is of similar if not higher quality. It routinely ranks as one of the best zoos in the country, the tragic death of Harambe not withstanding. It's not like I've never been, but it's been awhile. Perhaps sometime this spring I'll spend an afternoon there.
Third, I understand the importance of it, but the whole genetic record keeping for the purposes of optimal breeding in order to secure the survival of the species is very Bene Gesserit. I think that porcupine might be the Kwisatz Haderach. Relying on science to find the optimal mate sort of takes the romance out of Valentine's Day, but perhaps therein lies the truth of me being single.
Do I believe in true love? Why you gotta make me answer these tough questions Susan? I will answer with a clip from The Princess Bride:
If I could only watch one movie for the rest of my life, it might be The Princess Bride.
As stated in the segment, "Scientists say that there are three stages of love – lust, romantic obsession, and long-term attachment." I thought the most interesting part of the segment was the photographer who went out to document each stage. That was some good photographin'.
So, do I believe in true love? Maybe. The answer lies underneath some scar tissue for sure.
Do I believe in life after love? Who am I to contradict Cheryl Sarkisian, star of Moonstruck. Hey look, my rambling ended up tying back into the segment again. Eat your heart out T-Pain - time for cocktails!
I kept looking for a mountain or a giant redwood or a glacier or a remote island or any sign of nature among the deluge of law advertisements, but found none. So for the shear novelty of a Conor Knighton segment being loud and in your face as opposed to serenely connected to nature, the committee has awarded bonus points for Conor trying something off his beaten path. Conor's beaten path, in fact, being stories that take place off the beaten path.
I've seen the Texas Law Hawk's videos before. They did make me ponder whether they were for real or some sort of YouTube prank. More power to him, I guess. If you've ever watched an episode of Hot Bench (Three judges. One verdict. Hot Bench.), then you've seen approximately 600 commercials for law firms on television. I have to admit, I always just assumed that the lawyers who star in these, well, lets just say it, cheesy, schlocky, ridiculous commercials can't be any good. The good lawyers are the ones that don't have to advertise, right? It is a solid counterargument that while I've never needed a lawyer in my life, I probably will at some point. I don't know how to find a lawyer... other than asking my friends who are/were lawyers. That always helps.
So many hammers. Gaggles of hammers. I lived in Heavy Hitter country for a good chunk of time, but my favorite law firm commercials were always for Elk and Elk. I shouldn't poke fun, but... the hair.
This week's birds of New Zealand is brought to by Florida Audubon, per usual.
In case you are confused, these birds did not destroy your local newspaper, although the media company probably did not do that either. We decided to stop paying attention. We decided to get our news elsewhere.
If there are any "littles" reading, the beginning of every nature segment starts with the sponsor's message:
Nature. Brought to you by Subaru. Love. It's what makes a Subaru a Subaru.As we all know Subaru owners deserve to be hit by snow shovels because they are cross country skiing through an ice storm while I am injuring my back trying to clear a path for pedestrians. It's an infuriating sponsors read. The fact I've decided to rant about the sponsor than simply find my zen amongst the birds of a magical magical place (New Zealand) may be an indication that this may not have been an A+ episode.
First, love does not make Subaru a Subaru. A team of union workers at a plant in Lafayette, IN makes a Subaru. I can't speak to how much love is involved, but my guess is the minimum amount required. Second, nature is not brought to us by Subaru. God's eternal machinations, or 5 billion years of planetary evolution if you are a less spiritual type, brings us nature. Subaru brings sponsors - "brings us" if you will - the nature segment or moment of nature as it is usually referred to online and in the show. In the context of the different categories of segments, yes nature is one of those categories, but Subaru knows what it is implying by simply saying Nature.
For what it's worth, so many of my friends drive Subarus. I am resigned to the fact that someday, I will likely join them. Not until after TK stops yodeling.
The committee came to me and said they had voted Martha Teichner had been voted sixth this week. I insisted they initiate a recount. Surely there had been an error. Surely only some sort of rule breaking malfeasance could drop Martha into the bottom half of the rankings. The committee reminded me that Sunday Morning had already submitted a candy focused story by Lucy Craft only one month a go and that I had already written extensively about hard candy related nostalgia. Is there anything new to add?
The truth is there isn't. A day after I posted that recap, I stopped by ye olde Supreme Nut & Candy, candy shop of my youth that still in business to this day, albeit not at the location I grew up with. I purchased all my favorite childhood candies and have been enjoying them, on occasion ever since. You know how much a pound of candies that I just reached into a bin and pulled out by the fistful cost? $5 a pound. The same price that Martha quoted for Economy Candy located in the lower east side of Manhattan. Economy Candy is certainly a flashier looking shop than SNACC. Both sell the same candies that you can't find in just any store - the kind my grandmother used to give me as a child.
I can't quite decide whether the price is the same here as it is there is a sign that surely I'm being overcharged because everything is more expensive in Manhattan, or to be reassured that a candy shop here is the same as a candy shop there. I lean towards the later. I spent $10 on sanded lemon drops, sour balls, root beer barrels, and strawberry hard candies and it may be the best $10 I spend all year.
I'm looking forward to my stash running low so I have excuse to go back again, but next time I go remind me to pick up some jellybeans this time.
7) Luke Burbank
Late last summer, there was a smattering Luke Burbank segments after what seemed like a prolonged dry spell. In recent weeks, he seems to be banging them out at a near Pogueian clip. Don't take the committee's controversial ranking seventh make you think that things have gone stale between us Luke. We'll always be here for you and your weird jokes furniture-centric Jane Campion movies.
This week, our Western United States correspondent brings us to Montana, home of double proxy wedding. (Sounds like double secret probation...)
It's weird. People can get legally married in Montana without needing to be in the state - as long as one is a resident or in the military.
8) Jim Axelrod
My senior year of high school, I took a film class taught by one my school's English teachers. It started off sort of legit. We watched Nosferatu and a few other films that would/could be considered classics. Possibly we watched one of my personal favorite movies, Double Indemnity, but I could be conflating some of what we watched in this class with a film class I took during a summer program before my senior year - there was some overlap anyway I think.
But by the end of the semester, he had sort of given up and was putting on movies from his personal collection that he liked. Namely The Hunt for Red October and Fletch. I'm not knocking these films - I reference Red October almost as much as anything else in this blog. But classics deemed worthy of deeper study, they are not. I gotta say that Fletch is pretty funny though.
I'm loathe to take low blows at people, and I really don't mean this as insult as much as it is just a question (Chevy Chase obviously doesn't care what I think anyway.), but has he been culturally relevant since Christmas Vacation? I think the whole, "I don't care..." thing has to be something of a protection mechanism. How else to explain a man who professes to hate bullies, but widely has a reputation of being one? Chevy Chase doesn't care what I think and I'm not sure I really care about him.
I was glad to see one of my favorite shows, Community, get a shout out. Now, that's a show that deserves a second life through streaming. I actually thought Chevy Chase did a very good job on the show. He famously clashed with show runner Dan Harmon because he thought his character was becoming too dumb and out of touch. The whole point of the show was that all the characters were damaged beneath the surface, but helped each other get through it. I guess he thought the foibles were taken too far with Pierce, but I don't think he ever got the show, which is a shame. On the show, no matter how much of a jerk Pierce was he was always welcomed back into the group. It's a shame real life didn't follow the same path.
9) Ted Koppel
Ted Koppel continues his quest to cover every too on-the-nose metaphor for our current political climate. This week, football gets the treatment because of the Super Bowl.
I don't think we really need it spelled out that politics has become too much like sports. We've divided up into teams that care more about winning than we do about improving our country or making progress.
Although it was somewhat reassuring to know that at least the city of New Orleans was also rabidly rooting for the Bengals to get exact measure of revenge on the Rams. Also, it's always entertaining any time the Cajun makes an appearance. Political strategist James Carville, who moonlights as a tout for the Tony Kornheiser Show with the help of T-boy Latchelay is big Joe Burrow backer. Cincinnati covered, so I'm pretty sure that meant Carville ended the season perched atop Mount .500.
10) Jane Pauley, Jim Gaffigan, Josh Seftel, David Martin (tie)
It being Valentine's day, Jane was sure to wear a red dress. She often wears red though, so maybe it's just coincidence, but you know it's not. I hope Jane and Gary had a good Valentine's Day.
Gaffigan has a funny riff on the most American of holidays, the Super Bowl. It seems like he's needling America for its consumerism and just generally getting excited about ridiculous things. But Gaffigan is not an angry comedian so there is a light touch. The man's signature joke is about hot pockets after all. I don't know how much of a sports fan he actually is, but I get the impression that he loves America because of it's flaws as much as he loves it in spite of his flaws. Is the fact that we turn events like this in capitalistic orgies (winning the Super Bowl ticket lottery means you get to pay $5000 for a ticket) inherently a bad thing is it part of what makes this place fun?
Josh Seftel's mom is dear as always. She seemed to enjoy reminiscing about childhood crushes and first kisses, but also admitted that it made her feel old. Isn't that just the way of the world?
In case you spent all weekend watching the olympics or football (like me) or planning Valentine's Day (not me), David Martin's monotone reporting is here to remind you that for whatever reason, Vladimir Putin seems to be OK with possibly starting World War III. Maybe a Seinfeld clip isn't the most appropriate response to geopolitics resting on the edge of a knife, but Ukraine is not a game. Ukraine is not weak.
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