December 19, 2021
Having just finished the post for the Forever Young special, I'm on a roll. So let's head straight into the Christmas episode of Sunday Morning.
For an intro, I'd just like to say that I love Christmas music. I was raised listening to Christmas records by the Osmands, Julie Andrews, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on a Fisher Price record player. At some point, I digitized most of our records, but since I've been so busy traveling for work, I haven't had a chance to bust out the records or MP3s and sustain myself on pure Christmas nostalgia, so that's probably my plan for this week. I just realized that I could do that while I write, so I have just put on the Osmonds. In a few minutes, I'll be really rockin' out to Sleigh Ride.
The truth is that the record player I recorded all the music from a turntable that ran a bit fast so all the music I recorded is pitch shifted up a little and of course the crackle of record player is prominent. I didn't learn how to properly adjust a record player and replace the stylus until much later in life. But it's how I would have listened to them when I was a kid, so it the dubious audio quality feels authentic to my memory.
We also had a bunch of these read-a-long story records including one for a Charlie Brown Christmas. The record was damaged right at the point where Snoopy is decorating his doghouse for the contest. The accompanying sound effects in the special (and on the record) forever exist in an infinite loop in memory because the record would skip back a groove when we played the record. I edited out the skips when I digitized that record, but I sort of regret not leaving a skips in to try and keep it authentic to the memory.
The best modern collection of Christmas music is unquestionably Sufjan Stevens's Songs for Christmas series. Sufjan Stevens's music has taken a more nihilistic turn in the past decade that can bring me down. (Not that his pre-2010 output was super up.) But Song for Christmas is really just well done Christmas music sans the usual requisite schmaltz. Most of the songs are classic carols that you'd hear at a church service, but there are some truly fun originals as well - my favorite being "Get Behind Me, Santa!" Of course, since it is Sufjan Stevens, you can escape without at least some soul crushing melancholia, but luckily it ends with truly cathartic Happy Christmas wishes, because Sufjan hadn't quite died inside yet.
Finally, I recently discovered "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses, which is an unexpectedly great new wave Christmas (those go together?) song from 1981. The history of the song is a little fun. It was written and recorded under duress in the summer at the behest of their record label which wanted to put a Christmas compilation. Meanwhile, the band are on tour, the song gets released unknown to them, and becomes a worldwide hit (by their standards). Their previous one big hit was, "I Know What Boys Like". So here's to two-hit wonders. There are more than a few covers of the song out there including Kylie Minogue. I consider myself a fan of Kylie, but the truth is that she is a disco queen and results are decidedly mixed when she tries to venture into other genre's is mixed at best. She can't really pull of detached new wave like Patty Donahue. And the song really depends on the buying that the protagonist can't really be bothered by Christmas and in the end cannot be helped being won over by the magic of the holiday/finally hooking up with the hot guy.
Anyway, I've been listening to the Osmonds for at least 30 minutes now, so I'm in an appropriately Christmasy mood.
The CBS SUNDAY MORNING POWER RANKINGS: CHRISTMAS EDITION
1) Nancy Giles
If there is a social justice cause I could get on a soap box about (that's a big if) it's the criminal justice system, largely thanks to Ted Koppel. I fully realize that the segment has an agenda and someone professing more of a "law and order" world view than I do would say that criminals need to be in prison to keep law abiding people safe. That criminals don't deserve anything. That they need to earn their way back into society by serving their sentence (the harsher the better). And I cannot argue that crime is up in most places across the country over the last couple years. That just so happens to coincide with something... hmm... what has been going on the last couple years again?
My personal view is that we keep people in prison in order to feel safe and that feeling safe is a very different thing than actually being safe. I believe that prisoners deserve the same dignity and respect we offer to most any other human being. I believe prisoners cease to serve a purpose once someone convicted of a crime is no longer a threat to others. I would agree there is some sort of debt or restitution to be paid and probably part of that is serving time, but that's mostly an issue for the victims of a crime. I'm pro-victims rights, but I'm not so big on being vindictive.
Anyway, I think I just got on my high horse, so allow me to climb back down.
It's a segment about the criminal justice system and art. Of course I'm going to make it #1. But you should watch the segment because the things the inmates in Maine create are pretty amazing. I wonder how much the eagle with it's hundreds of hand carved feathers cost? It's got to be like ten-grand. Am I close? It had to be hundreds of hours of work. I know art is a subjective, but it seems like it would cost a lot.
I'm hopping back on the horse for a minute.
In his book Popular Crime, Bill James argues for a decentralized prison system where no more than say 10 inmates would be housed at given location. His logic is that this immediately fixes the worst aspects of prisons, which is essentially that inmates must harden themselves and become even worse criminals just to survive. Small groups would break up prison gangs, allow the prisoners to lead a bit more of a normalized life, and keep low risk inmates from recidivism. He correctly points out this will never happen because you'd need thousands of these small facilities all over the place and no one wants to live near a jail. The NIMBYs will never allow it to happen.
Even if you think that inmates don't deserve art or workshops or college classes, if your first inclination is, "I don't want to pay for that with tax payer money!", well, how about the stat given that the inmates that go through such programs have a recidivism rate something like 90% lower. How much could we save by not having to send people to jail the first place? Prevention = fiscal responsibility.
I often think this is something I'd like to get involved in on a personal level. I have a PhD, so I could probably teach some of those prison courses. Will I every act on that impulse? I sure don't know.
I'm back off the horse for the rest of the entry. Merry Christmas to all.
2) David Pogue
First, I must address what needs addressing. The portrait of Vince Guaraldi:
A+, Five stars, ten out of ten.
With that out of the way, I've already talked about my childhood connection to A Charlie Brown Christmas. Anyone who dares to not place it atop the Christmas special power rankings, may God have mercy on your soul. I'm not saying the other Christmas classics - Rudolph, Frosty, Mickey's Christmas Carol, The Muppet's Christmas Carol (a movie I know...), The Grinch (not the movie), and A Garfield Christmas aren't wholesome wonderful Christmas goodness because I watch them every Christmas season. But none of them are Charlie Brown.
The genius of Charlie Brown/Peanuts (as well as Calvin and Hobbes) isn't that they are comics about little kids. It is that they are comics from the perspective of little kids who are also fully realized people. They have feelings and emotions and philosophical deep thoughts and ennui (especially Charlie Brown). They also play and have expansive imaginations. Anyone who actually pays attention realizes they smash the myth that everything used to better when you were younger. Sure you'll get nostalgic for the childlike things you've left behind like play and pretending, but it cuts through that because the characters can get their feelings hurt and Charlie Brown should probably be on medication for depression. It is not idealized. At the same time, if you have ever felt down like Charlie Brown, the special brings hope that all is not lost and things will get better in the end. And because it comes through stories told from the perspective of grade school children, it doesn't feel overwrought or sentimental. Also there are jokes.
Aside: I've confessed to being a fan of Wes Anderson. One reason that he treats kids on equal footing as adults in his movies (e.g. Moonrise Kingdom) to wonderful effect. (And often the adults act like children.) A move taken straight from the pages of Peanuts (and later Calvin and Hobbes). In a way, I hope that he consciously stole this conceit from newspaper comics.
But I'm supposed to be talking about Vince Guaraldi, who is the true hero of piece. Well, Vince Guaraldi's mustache at least co-headlines. Having never seen Vince Guaraldi before, my mental picture of him was older and starchier. I guess I just assumed he looked a little like Charles Schulz (who I have seen pictures of). It's so wonderful to know that he was actually the consummate uber-cool jazz hipster complete with awesome mustache. Sorry, I can't get over the mustache.
The choice of his music to accompany A Charlie Brown Christmas feels like the ultimate of serendipity. Who would pair this show with that music. I guess we have Lee Mendelson to thank for that. Why not pair a Christmas special about a depressed child with jazz? The brilliant thing about the music is that you could made A Charlie Brown Christmas anytime between 1920 and the present day and the music would still work. It doesn't pin the accompanying story to a particular time and place, which allows it be universal. And since no one ever got rich by playing jazz, it certainly is fits with the special's anti-commercialism (and anti-capitalism?) message. A Charlie Brown Christmas never feels dated.
I don't really know much jazz other than Tony Wilson said it is the last refuge of the untalented, which certainly not true Vince Guaraldi.
Christmas Time Is Here is simple (it's just a piano, bass and brushed drums) and vaguely melancholy. You wouldn't call it a happy, joyful song which is what we insist on from most Holiday music. It's unrushed tempo is evocative of reminiscing with old friends over a drink. I guess it's the evocation of memory that makes it Christmas-y as 90% of Christmas is based in nostalgia. But is it evocative of a good memory? The music itself doesn't press the issue. (Although Lee Mendelson's lyrics assume that the Christmas memories are always good.) If it's not a good memory, then I'm sure Linus will come along to cheer you up and remind you of the true meaning of Christmas.
3) Luke Burbank
For Luke Burbank, every week is the food issue. Because digging into the archive or old Burbank stories to quantify exactly how many of his segments are food related requires far too much work, please just take my word for it that they skew towards the gastronomical far more than any other correspondent.
The segment is about the See's candy factory. I love Christmas candies because I have an terrible sweet tooth. I am essentially the short lived SNL character, Lord Wyndemere. I want sweets.
Luke's segment made me long for something sweet to eat, but I held off as I will be sure to get my fill of them come Friday and Saturday. Extra points for the I Love Lucy tie-in. Or is it a deduction because they used the same candy factory bit a couple weeks ago?
No, any time you can tie in Lucile Ball, it's extra points. I think someone passed a law so I'd go to jail for taking points away. Still, Luke lands at #3.
4) Rita Braver
Rita interviews outgoing head of the NIH and genuinely nice fella Dr. Francis Collins. Francis Collins has been one of the many doctors who have been on TV over the last two years both reassuring them things will be ok will also urging the to for the love of all that is good and holy get vaccinated and wear a mask. Not as famous as Fauci, but he is Fauci's boss. He actually delivered a commentary on Sunday Morning this past Easter this past year where he intertwined the vaccine and medical research with his own evangelical faith. He got Teichnerized - I have regrets. He's been on most of the morning show at some point and I feel like this is not the first time he's be profiled on Sunday Morning, but that could just be a confabulation of memory so I wouldn't put money it either way.
Francis Collins is 71 years old, but he's not retiring. He's just stepping aside as head of the NIH. So I can't really wish him an enjoyable retirement. I suppose I can wish him luck in his future endeavors. Would that someone could say to me when I'm 70. Or even 60.
5) Snow, Deer,
The deer roam in the snow in South Dakota. Quite a few also roam through my suburbs. There are too many deer and yet somehow, I'm never not transfixed when I see a group of them. Sometimes I'm a little nervous if I see deer when I'm riding a bike. If I get into an accident with a deer and I'm on a bike, the deer is going to win. It happens and it's why there are helmets.
Also I know I'm crazy and I'm aware that there are more disastrous side effects from climate change, but it doesn't snow enough anymore where I live. It's one reason I keep threatening to move to Canada.
Oh and there was choir singing Christmas songs. Controversial opinion: I'm not a huge fan of John Lennon's "Happy Xmas". That's probably something to dig into later though. The choir accompanied Josh Groban's lead vocals and piano. Josh Groban has been going around for a couple years not with an unkempt beard and hair, looking like a real New York artist. He was fine. But I do so miss the choir backing up Charles Osgood at the piano. Osgood's probably holed up somewhere int he south of France trying to avoid COVID and I'm happy for him. I didn't expect him last year because of the pandemic (the Christmas music last year was socially distanced on a roof). But did he drop by in 2019? Surely he was there in 2018? Being a radio man, he has a very pleasant baritone voice. I hope I'll hear it again on Sunday Morning. Maybe next year.
Holly Williams interviews Penelope Cruz and there are so many accents.
Holly presses Penelope on her relationship to her looks and the roles that it may have led to, or not led to. At one point, Cruz says, "How am I perceived? That doesn't matter," while standing in from of a wall that would beg to disagree.
But I judge not. I once had a friend take this really great picture of me at a pizza place and if I still had it, I'd hang it on the wall, but alas I do not. I don't question Penelope Cruz's artistic integrity, but it can be hard to focus on that because her face is like 67% eyes. (She has big eyes. Her and Emma Stone.)
I'm sure it's not a first, but I don't recall the last time Holly pulled the celebrity interview card. The committee approves.
Kelefa Sanneh goes deep on Christian rock. I do feel a little bad that the committee buried the best line of the episode, "Marriage, coffee, and rock'n'roll," this far down the list.
I can't say I'm a fan of Christian rock. Figuratively speaking, it's a one not genre. Every song is about praising Him. Which is fine. It's just that, in the words of Donnie Darko, there's "the whole spectrum of human emotion." And I say this as someone who considers himself Christian. The production is always super sleek and polished and I've never really been that into top 40 radio. To my ears it sounds homogeneous and shiny in a not so flattering way. Those who defend it may say, "There's all kinds of Christian music. There gospel and country and folk." But you wouldn't call it Christian gospel, and Christian country, and Christian folk. It just has a natural home in those musical settings to my ears. There is just something I cannot abide about taking a faith and intentionally putting on the aesthetics and trappings of pop music and pop culture. Faith is also a very personal thing to me, so I couldn't see myself enjoying a huge concert. While I'm not a dancer, I like the idea of being able to dance to songs and I'm not sure there's Christian rock song that you can dance to.
Let's not even get into the Christian rap and even Christian death metal that somehow exists.
8) Jane Pauley
I know I always comment on Jane's outfit and then say I shouldn't and promise I'm going to stop doing it. But she's the host and sometimes that's what needs to be discussed.
Why kind of fabric is Jane's jacket made out of? I wanted to say velvet, but it seems a little too shiny for that. I think velvet can give off a shimmer depending on the lighting, but I can't tell from the video how it moves or if it is soft to the touch. Whatever it is, I like the shiny.
Story time: When I was in high school, I had study hall in the cafeteria immediately before lunch period. I inherited/commandeered the task of running the schools message board. I could put up whatever nonsense I wanted as long as I posted a message or two about school events and didn't put up anything offensive. The person who did it previous to me lost his position after putting up a moderately lewd joke. (Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Cotton balls.) Anyway, one week after I had watched the movie Ed Wood, I ran a series of "Fabric of the Day" messages. The first was angora (naturally). I think velvet, silk, tweed, and denim may have also made the list. There was no point to it other than random chaos and confusion. I know I made at least one faculty member laugh. I also learned how to program in wipes and blinking for emphasis and how to insert special characters, which is how my running "Word of the Day" gag on the message board was one day a blinking message that said "Sophistication" with a small martini glass graphic on either side. That one also got a few laughs. Before Facebook existed, the goal was to win the cafeteria.
Anyway, if anyone knows what Jane's jacket was made of let me know.
Jane also introduced Christmas music and I do like Christmas music. It's not quite as good without Charles Osgood to come out and tickle the ivories, but those days are almost assuredly behind us regrettably. If Charles had come out (COVID be damned) the sentimentality of Jane introducing the former host is immediate power rankings bonanza. Charles is going to turn 90 in a little over a year. Here's hoping Jane gets to host a little birthday celebration when that comes around.
9) Jim Gaffigan, Steve Hartman
Gaffigan riffs on Christmas being like an overblown sweet sixteen party the parent (God) is intent on throwing for their kid (Jesus, also God) to prove how awesome they are and the kid is rightly a little embarrassed by it. Is it a sacrilegious bit? Gaffigan's very openly Catholic and so I am so he's allowed to make the joke and I'm allowed to laugh it. I think.
Hartman does his annual segment about "Secret Santa", a wealthy businessman who give away Christmas cheer in form of hundred dollar bills every Christmas. C-Notes. Benjamins. Straight cash, homey. They don't bother to hide his identity all that well, so I'm sure "Secret Santa's" identity isn't all that secret, but I'm not putting in the effort to solve that mystery. This year he gives away money to people living on an Apache reservation in New Mexico. Secret Santa claims to feel a "spiritual connection to the Native American." I'm glad he left it there with no further explanation. As a wealthy white person, it's treading awfully close to problematic territory.
But all is forgiven as he starts handing out money and making strangers feel seen and loved.
10) John LaPook
It's Christmas. We regret the decision to Teichnerize Francis Collins at Easter, so it would be pure hypocrisy to do to John LaPook at Christmas. He's saying all the same stuff we should already know - get the vaccine, wash your hands, try to get tested before gather, try to gather in a well ventilated space. I don't think anyone's going to have an outdoor Christmas, but I actually would like to get tested to put myself at ease. I have woken up feeling crummy for the last three days. I feel better as the day goes on, so I haven't felt the need to take any medication or see a doctor. But I also don't want to be a spreader if I am sick.
Maddeningly, testing is somehow still a mess 2 years later.
There is a testing facility next door to my office, but I'm not sure if my insurance covers it and it requires a doctor's order faxed to them and it $100 if not covered by insurance.
I tried to see if a CVS or Walgreens had any availability but there isn't a location within 30 miles with an open appointment that can get a test result back to me before Christmas.
The note on my doctor's website still says they have limited testing so they only test patients with symptoms.
Anybody that wants a test should be able to get one without having to book it 3 days in advance and it should be free.
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